Being a spankee is hard

Being a spankee, like most good things in life, is not just fun and games. It is hard.

Most of the time you are “born” with the kink, or have it within you since a very young age, so much so that you don’t even remember when it first happened that you felt those butterflies in your belly in relation to the S-word.

For me, it was Vhs. I would rewind a specific one just to watch over and over a scene from an old Jack Frost movie where a baby bear got his butt warmed for sneaking out of bed after being tucked in. That wasn’t the only “red flag”, just one of the earliest.

I would open my ears and stand at attention every time a spanking scene came up in cartoons or stories. I would feign disinterest while I peeked at the movie my mother was watching in the living room when I was supposed to be doing homework just because someone was getting spanked on screen. I would look up the word “spanking” on the dictionary and enciclopedia. Any of these things would cause the familiar butterflies to sparkle in my belly.

It wasn’t just that. Whenever I would play with my friends, I would play the part of the little sister and make sure I got in trouble, hoping anyone would give me a swat or an earful. My fantasies – especially those that soothed me and helped me fall asleep at night – all featured a young girl that was rebellious and troublesome to say the least. I would depict in my mind the 101+ different ways she’d get in trouble and the same number of situations where her caretaker would eventually find out and catch her.

I wasn’t even aware that any of it was “bad”. It was just part of me, a huge part of me. It made me feel well. Until someone – my cousin – told on me, and went to my mother complaining that I would drag her into lame games where people would catch us and spank us.

That was the first time I experienced shame for my “kink”, though I didn’t know it was one, and the last time I shared it openly. Starting that day, I was much more careful and private with my games, my dreams, my stories.

I tried to cover it and forget about it, oh, if I tried! I relegated it to a secret corner of my mind where I would still fantasize wjen lost in thoughts.

But it would come back, every now and then. In any important relationship I built there was this side of me testing and pushing for attention and reactions. It was how I was framed, I would only bond really deeply with older people who gave me a sense of mentoring and safety (even though they were not necessarily that worried about protecting me). I would be responsive to them, form a special relationship and grow into the friendship, learn and stabilize for a while. Unfortunately, I’d also lean onto them until they eventually realized I was becoming a burden or getting too clingy. Then they would push me away.

They felt awkward because of the position I subconsciously put them in. Even though the “spanking” word was never even in the back of my mind, we fell into a dynamic. And they didn’t want to be that person for me. So they would find ways of communicating more or less explicitly that they had had enough. In some cases, it was me getting tired and scared and pushing away. I saw their discontent coming and I would prevent what I felt was going to happen, by deciding to step back.

I’ve never had anyone reaching out to pull me back into those friendships. That shouldn’t be surprising. None of them were Tops or people who enjoyed a caring, protective role, especially when it got hard and they had to deal with my insecurities.

Most people doesn’t like the role of mentor anyway, like the evident imbalance between tops and bottoms in TTWD suggests.

The first time my brain realized spanking could be also sexual for me, I was already in university and old enough that I should’ve already known. But I was always a late bloomer, especially when it came to sex. I would start reading spanking stories not just like I had done in the past, to feel calmer and more centered, but to experience a little arousal as well. Needless to say, that part – as it sometimes happens – was never as strong as the non-sexual need and crave I experienced for spankings.

Finally, I casually met someone online who was into spanking, just like me, and we started playing. That did not end well for more than one reason, but it made me realize that spanking was something I wanted in my life. Needed, even. Not just as a dirty secret hidden in the back of my mind, that I would explore in the dark of my room.

That relationship broke and I was shuttered. I started a healing process and with a professional managed to identify the pattern that had been eluding my rational mind for my whole life while still “happening”. Spanking was my bridge. It had always been my coping mechanism. I would use spanking and the involved dynamic to feel safe, protected and balanced, to ease up part of the anxiety I carried. I would fall into the dynamic no matter how hard I tried to have things go differently, no matter if I let the word spanking remain out of it.

It was part of me and I had to come to terms with it.

So I looked online, in the only place I knew I’d find likeminded people, and I was blessed to approach a friendly and lively community on Anna Reilly Spanking Romance. I learned so much and finally felt like I was in the right place for me. Sure, it would hurt to not get attention sometimes, but I could finally let it out, be me. I could share with people who were on the same page and would hardly judge me for being “a brat”. I discovered amazing friends and truths about us and TTWD. I also got my first Top.

That of being in a spanking relationship 24/7, lasting for months, could be another story in itself, but one for another time, maybe.

What’s relevant for the purpose of this post is that it was ups and downs, beautiful and scary, hard and easy. It gave me lots of emotions and almost got me to let go again, let go for real. It kept me sane through a period of my life where I really needed someone to help me move forward, someone who would make sure I didn’t fall into pieces.

And then, like it happens for all the good things that you realize can’t last forever (or that can’t give you exactly what both of you in the relationship need), my under-supervision-bratty time was over and there was the task of adjusting to being alone again. It’s still something I’m working on.

If none of what I said so far has convinced you, let me make this straight-er: it hurts like hell. It’s fucking hard. Especially after you’ve known the difference, it hurts in a physical way when you are aware of what you need but can’t and won’t get the “attention” your body and brain crave.

You’ll be experiencing some sort of withdrawal, then trying to get over it, then blaming yourself for feeling crappy, for being needy and not having it together like any functional adult. Mind me, in the meanwhile you are, of course, being a very functional adult…it’s just it’s not enough.

You carry the weight of your mistakes on your own, wrestle the nasty thoughts and most times let them win, just because angrily berating yourself hurts less than you thinking no one will ever want you or care for you or be there the way you need without seeing you like a burden of some sort.

Being a spanko in a relationship is hard because you have to find the right balance between being a normal adult and needing help and attention in constantly new forms. You have to open up and give up control. You have to get your partner to understand your needs and support them. You have to be honest and open, which is undoubtedly tough, especially when you know you’re cornering yourself in a situation that will make you cringe in shame and from the amount of swats that will light your rear up.

Being a spankee in a non-relationship it’s just as hard, because it’s just you, you and your awareness that no one cares if you skip meals or get a ticket for speeding. Or maybe you have a lot of people who care, but will just be hurt and disappointed and worried for your behavior while still not giving you an inch of Toppiness.

It’s not enough. All the people in the world worshiping you and loving on you feel barely enough when you can’t get that one reaction (though you still feel blessed for being smothered by friends and family). You don’t want to hurt the people who actually care and you know there is no sensible alternative, so you pull up your sleeves and work hard to try and sound as fine as possible while your emotions hurt in your chest and you feel like banging your head on the wall (not literally).

Then there is another situation, and for me it’s the winner in the top 10 of the hard struggles of being a spanko: when you are in a relationship with a vanilla, or simply someone who will not give you what you want. They don’t realize how much that hurts you and how untrue you are being to yourself and your nature, maybe you too don’t realize how much you’re missing out and stifling down. You love your partner, and that means you stick with them no matter how hard. After all, if everyone can live without spanking in their life, why can’t you? Why couldn’t you stop being a needy child and prove that you can work properly without that special extra aid?

And that’s where you probably go back in the closet, for as long as your body and brain allow you to do so. For as long as you can be in denial.

Don’t worry, there are also a lot of cases or situations where people are happy and find their true match. Pretty sure it’s not an easy road, though.

So yeah, all of this is to assure you that spanking is a tough business that can hurt more than just your backside, even (more) when it’s not there.

You’re not alone in your struggles. You’re not bad or weak because you falter. You’re not a baby because you are needy, nor are you unworthy or insignificant.

This is just a hard business. Being a spankee is hard.

Though sometimes it’s worth it.

And it’s for those times we keep going, and we keep hoping.

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21 thoughts on “Being a spankee is hard

  1. Great post, Ellie! I recognised so much of myself in this. Everything you said about your childhood, that was me! I was obsessed with these cartoons with spanking. I remember when we got a dictionary in English class the first thing I looked up was spanking, and then later in French class I did the same. In high school we were asked to get a copy of the Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary, and it had a much more detailed description! 😛 Just a couple of years ago, when I took a French grammar class at university, I looked up “fessée” in Le Petit Robert. 😅
    I remember the excitement of finding a spanking community online. I think I made some mistakes, and I might have bratted a bit too much, but I’ve made a lot of great friends. I remember being in awe of Alyx and the other tops. 😳But I have also struggled a lot. It is hard being a spanko. I hope I can meet someone one day that I can eh… share this part of me with. That would be nice.😍

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey Ash, thank you for reading and commenting, that was long and tough. I think the looking up the word on the dictionary is a pretty shared stage of discovering your spankiness, though it makes me smile that we all would do something so peculiar “naturally”! I wish there were real academical studies on the topic, this is interesting material.

      Also you using the word “fessée” just reminded me of an interesting book illustrated by Milo Manara whose title is “L’Art de la Fessée”. Check it out if you want 😛 I discovered it about two years ago but never got a copy, just looked at the pictures online.

      I’m sure we all made our mistakes online and bratted too much, but that’s honestly part of the learning process? Not to mention it’s part of the human spanko needs when you’re young and new? It’s normal to want attention and want to stick out.

      A hug for you as I share the same hope, even though it gets harder with time. 🤞

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing this, Ellie! I related with so much that you have written, the same as the writer Ash said above. I always wanted to play school when I was younger and then would suggest spanking as a consequence of mistakes. I remember drawing spanking cartoons as young as seven or eight years old and hiding them in my room. As I began having relationships, I would suggest spankings to my partners but none of them ever really got it until I met my husband. I think he still struggles to fully understand it, but he is getting closer than any partner I’ve ever had by far. For me, I want to the spanking to be non-consensual (to a certain degree). I want to be held accountable for my actions and to be spanked when I mess up, even if in the moment, I don’t want to be. Very tricky grounds for a husband to navigate….

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    1. Nora, thank you so much for reading and commenting.

      See, I find that you are actually brave, being able to suggest spanking to your partners! I wouldn’t know where to begin with that. Hopefully it led you to the right one, even though it’s a learning process. It always is, no? Even with couples where both are spankos since birth, seeing as every person is unique and so are their needs and opinions and tastes on the matter.

      I also see how that’s tricky for your husband, but if you’re making it work (increasingly better), that speaks tons about how good you both are at communicating and loving each other! Hats off to you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, Ellie! I think he is the brave one as spanking me does absolutely not come naturally to him. But, the more we travel down the D/s road, the more he feels like he is getting from the experience…he has now realized that for him, spanking me can act as a “reset button” in our relationship and he really likes that aspect.

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      1. You know you guys may have found the newest position, forget ‘Over The Knee’! (Exclusive to switches and brats, although a brat would love to try it on their Top I’m sure 😜) 😂😂😂

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        1. Ellie, thanks for sharing so much of your thoughts, feelings and struggles. Like Ash and Naughtynora I relate to a lot of it. Especially the childhood stuff, yep every single thing!🙂 Seems like we’re all in the dictionary club, aren’t we?😉
          Got to go, will try to write more later!
          Tight hug Ellie!

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  3. Really interesting and relatable read. I came online to search for another blog post, another story that will quell my work anxieties away, and this post was such a pleasant surprise. For the longest time growing up, I thought something was wrong with me, and I always found it unbearably shameful that I could not just will these feelings away. I still remember the first day I heard of the word ‘BDSM’ from my first girlfriend and googled it, not even understanding what I was going though, and frantically clearing my internet browsing history immediately after. Haha.

    It is true what you say; some people are just born with it. I cannot quite put a finger on when exactly it started fascinating me, only that I have been fantasizing about these relationship dynamics from the age I was still playing with barbie dolls. What do you think makes a person drawn to these fetishes though? I have come to realize that they are much more common than I perceived it to be as a teenager, but still, it is circulated only among a rather small group of people. Do you think this obsession with power dynamics stem from anything in particular?

    Thanks for sharing these personal thoughts! Loved your work for quite a while btw and always excited for more. 🙂

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    1. Hello Nakedoranges, welcome to the blog and thank you for commenting. Sorry I’m late, but life got in the middle 🙂

      You mentioning “Barbie dolls” reminded me of how I used to get mine in all sort of trouble 🙂

      I wish I had a good answer for your interesting questions, but I don’t. I should probably read more academical research on the topic – maybe I should look for some consistent work, if there is any out there. What I can tell you is that this is something that comes up often in kinksters’ discussions and minds. Are we born or made?

      I’m not an expert, but I think the answer is “a bit of both”. There might be a genetic part to the whole kinky thing, there might be an evolutional reason as well (something about this sort of dynamic being the safest kind when it came to survival, with a leader/guide and aone/more subs – I’m thinking about power dynamics in nature and even animal group dynamics).

      And then there is most likely a lot of psychological elements combined. I believe our childhood dynamics and how we subconsciously interpreted things that happened to us when we were kids play a role in the kind of dynamics we look for in our relationships as adults. I’m not talking about kinksters that were spanked or disciplined when young – many of us never were (and I myself seldom got in trouble with my parents) – but about the sort of power dynamics we had with the caregivers and people around us, and the way we “read them” when, as children, our feelings simply became our truths and we didn’t have the tools to analyze things rationally.

      I also once tried to apply the transactional theories about the three “ego states” we all have within us (the Parent, the Adult and the Child). Maybe someday I’ll write more about it, but in the meanwhile, I suggest reading Berne 😀 He talks about this and I found the reading light and so catchy. But then again, I’m a psychology geek.

      Truth is, we all are different and have different stories. It’s so hard to find an answer that works for each of us, but then again we all also live the kink in different ways and have different needs, don’t we? 🙂

      Sorry for the loooong tardy reply!

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  4. Thanks for sharing this. I read it a few times and it is super relatable. I find that I often “submit” to people who aren’t really toppy just because I crave the feeling of someone else being in control. It’s hard to feel like such a big piece of yourself is missing when you don’t have that type of spanking dynamic in your life. ❤ Sending you warm thoughts!

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to comment, Shae 🙂 I’m not sure I should be glad the piece is relatable since it’s so bitter and a little painful, but I’m glad I could help someone feel less alone with their struggles.

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  5. Thank you so much! It’s as if I was reading about my childhood. I still get scared when I think that some of my friends will figure out why I wanted those games. And I feel ashamed when I think of myself back then… I’ve been deeply in the closet for the past almost twenty years since I discovered that what I wanted was also sexual… Sometimes I think people can figure it out, because my reactions when my friend, who is my Top in my imagination, when she says the version of “I’ll spank you”… (we don’t speak English but the meaning is pretty much the same). She doesn’t mean it and she says it to many people, and yet I give meaning to it and even though I am more than 30 years old, I still try to get in trouble… in vain…
    I have never even chatted to someone who is like me, or who is a Top… but I drink up all the stories I read and I beg I would at least dream of a similar situation so I can live it in some way. Being lesbian in my country is not well accepted so I am not sure I will ever find a woman to love, and I am losing hope about finding a lover who is a Top at the same time, especially because I feel way too old to behave childishly… And I wish I had done something about my needs when I was younger…
    I am sorry for the long comment… your post was inspiring and… I felt like sharing….
    Thank you for writing about this… It feels good not to feel alone on top of everything 🙂

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    1. Thank you for sharing this, Annaffd. I can relate to some of the things you said. May I ask where you are from? You don’t have to answer, of course.

      Please, feel free to chat with us at any moment. I may not be a Top (I get Toppy sometimes, but I’m more of a natural brat), but I am “like you” and so is a lot of the people hanging around here. Discussing our world, “this thing we do”, with people who can understand does wonders for us and helps us understand ourselves better and accept ourselves. I know I am grateful to the community for helping me accept who I am and find a space in which I could feel less ashamed for being me, and I love the idea of returning the favor offering a welcoming place.

      One thing I’ve learned about this thing we do is that you are never too old to be a brat – lol. Also, being a brat doesn’t necessarily mean behaving childishly. But even if you were into it, a lot of people are into ageplay and behaving like children or even going with age-regression comes natural to them and is accepted by their caretakers.

      I know it’s hard, believe me…but don’t give up. It is never too late to experience spanking. We all have our own path of acceptance and discovery. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you so much for the welcome!!! ❤
    I am from one of the countries of the Ex Yugoslavia… 🙂 I am not comfortable being more precise at this moment because I can imagine that the lesbian community in my country is tiny and if someone was reading this… I still haven't fully accepted this part of myself… and my country is so patriarchal that it makes me sick and not to long ago husbands beating wives was a normal thing and not as a DD relationship, but as pure abuse and there are still too many violent men here… So the notion of wanting a spanking would mean either just sexual play or wanting the abuse. And, I can only imagine the comments of so many people "offering" to spank me, and me wanting to … do something really aggressive back. Because, right now in my life there is only one person who would be allowed to that (and about 20 female characters from the TV shows) 🙂 . I mean,… although I dream of having a Top and being under her control, I feel like I would be giving her the control because I could trust that she loved me and because I would love her. I mean… If someone else tried to spank me, especially a man, I would fight and I think the rage would give me strength to win. Is that as common as looking up "fessée"? I mean, when someone, even if it is a woman, but not someone you like, says that she will or wants to spank you or acts as an authority figure? How do you feel?
    As for the childish part, I may not have expressed my thoughts well… when I wrote childish, I think I meant "brat like"… not all the way responsible and letting my emotions influence my behavior. I guess I was just repeating someone else's description of such behavior 😀 😀 😀 I guess I am mostly like characters in my stories… that's probably the best description…
    I just want to say that I am so grateful to everyone in this community. For years I've been reading the blogs and I think the community has kept me sane many times 🙂 So thank you!!! ❤

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  7. I’m so sorry things are so tough over there. It’s crazy how many places and cultures still hold onto hatred and violence. I like to hope that there is always hope, as hard as that seems, so I wish you to stay safe but not give up on your dreams of happiness.

    As for being selective…don’t worry, I think it’s the basics. Just because we are into spanking, that doesn’t mean just anyone can dare to get bossy. It is about consent and about having a certain type of bond/affinity. In fact, even if we love a person, it doesn’t mean we would or should ever give them the right and honor to hold us accountable and be that Toppy someone for us. It is something to be shared only with people who prove they can handle it and have the power to make us feel safe. There needs to be deep trust, communication, dedication, understanding to say the least – but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

    I didn’t know you were a writer. I will totally check out your stories when I can, maybe find out about these characters! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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